I Want To Hold His Hand


Since I was about 9 I have been bullied for being gay. I was bullied for being gay before I was even gay. Boys in the playground, lads in PE, people in shopping centres and everything in between. It reached boiling point when I was 14 or 15 and I just couldn't take it anymore. This is something I talk about in a lot more depth in this post; but it isn't what I'm going to talk about now.

Here's the thing with this, whenever I write a post that touches a subject close to my heart or something I feel passionately about, I get nervous. Scared that someone will read this and think 'Oh he's being such a drama queen, he needs to realise what matters'. But in all honestly I'm slowly developing an I don't give a fuck kind of mentality towards this. I care about this, it affects me and I'm going to say what I want to say. Listen.

Over Christmas I was on a night out with my friends, walking to McDonalds for our middle of the night snack (it was really good btw). I was wearing a very ugly shirt and it looked amazing. It really is a disgusting shirt and I'm so in love with it. On our trek to McDonalds we walked past this guy. Typical lad. Picture a typical lad now, you know the kind. It was him. He gave me a bit of a stink eye on the way past us but I didn't really think much to it - then he walked a bit further and called me a gay boy or some sort of variation of that. The classic insult. He called me a gay boy because, and I can only assume, I was wearing an ugly shirt.

The same night a girl came up to me and complemented me on said shirt. I said thank you very much to her and then felt a bit egotistical because someone other than myself realised how fucking good I looked. And I did, I looked amazing, my hair was banging too. Two guys then went on to call me a faggot (I presume this time because when I drink my voice does go slightly camper and I do tend to play up to it a little bit - nothing wrong with that).

Sometimes I get scared to hold my boyfriend's hand in the street in case someone says something to us. By sometimes I'm gonna say 7/10. And if we do hold hands we both kind of know when to let go because we see some interesting characters (chavs) or there's a lot of people around.

We left Fenwick's a few months ago and a car went past us and the driver gave us such a glare. I actually though he cursed me and I would die for my sin.

I'm constantly seeing people on my Facebook (lads lads lads) call one and other gay boys or say 'that's so gay'. These are people I've been friends with at some point, have been in relationships with my friends etc etc - they're people I know on some sort of personal level. And while that shouldn't mean they should censor themselves for the lil fag over here in the corner - they should fucking stop it. While they probably don't think they're bashing anyone when they say these things, they're just perpetuating it. They're feeding the flame. And for what? A bit of banter? Well I have some fucking good banter for you lads; statistically speaking, gay men have bigger dicks - meaning my willy is bigger than yours. Got you where it hurts, didn't I?

My point here is that none of this actually gets to me. It angers me when I'm sat here at 9pm on a Sunday writing a blog post about it of course, but if it happens I sort of turn a blind eye to it. Not even that, I've become so used to it that it doesn't really have an effect on me. Yes, that sounds good. I don't get bothered by what other people think - why should I? But it isn't good. It really isn't.

I used to get physically sick because of bullying. I'm pretty sure my anxiety problems and depression stems from my experience with bullies. But I can't anymore, it's hard for me to get bothered by it. It's just another thing that isn't fair. Bullying is one problem that must stop - but so is the casual stuff. The side comments in the street that you don't think will do no harm. The stupid insult you call something when it's a bit shit just for banter.

Why should I have to get used to feeling shit? Why should I have to get used to people saying shit to me, my peers or just to each other for banter? I'm not something to be joked about. I'm not a spectacle on the street that demands your opinion. I am a person. Just like you, but with better morals. Just like you, but with a different sexual orientation.

Just like you, but I can't hold hands with the person I love out of fear.

I'd also like to add, that I don't choose to be gay. I don't know how to be gay. What I do know is to love, and I know why I love.

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