I've Lost My Muchness


Do you ever feel? Like, I dunno how to explain it. Like a plastic bag? Like you're drifting through the wind - wanting to start again? When I was planning on writing that it probably seemed funnier than it actually is.

So my problem is simple, I have nothing to do for a while. I know uni is soon so I'm waiting for that, and I'm leaving my job soon also so I feel like I'm just waiting for that. And I've finished writing my book and I've put it out to the world - so that's finished now, too. Summer has been a weird one, that's for sure. It's the first time that it hasn't felt like Summer - like a break. It's felt more like a transition from the mess I was after dropping out of university and being in a constant state of anxiety to what I am now which is still a mess, but I'm a lot more mentally stable. A lot more.

My muchness has very much become much-less. I don't really know what to blame it on or put it down to but it's as though I'm a clone of myself but something is slightly off. Like, there's something that I can't quite but my finger on but I still know it isn't 100%. And I know it's because I don't feel like I'm doing anything of any importance for the moment, and that's okay because you can't always be working on something - but I think I've come to the conclusion that I have to be one of those people that at least has an idea of what they're doing. 

I have no clue what I'm doing.

If I compared myself to this time last year, preparing for the move to university and everything, it would be like a different person. I'm more excited this year because I really am jumping in and I know I'll be forced to have the proper university experience whereas last year I had the security blanket of already having friends there to an extent. So it's weird then, to think that I'm a lot more chilled out and relaxed about preparing for uni this time around. Maybe it's because I know that I don't need to - or maybe it's just because I don't care as much about looking perfect this time.

Planning is well under way for my second book. I've figured out my rough plot and have a good grasp of the story arc and the characters, but I have no motivation to begin actually writing it (you know, the hard bit?). That's completely my fault, I know, but I refuse to force myself to start writing something that I'm not fully committed and motivated to do because I'll end up resenting it. 

I can’t really admit that I feel lost, because if I felt lost then it would mean that I knew where I was going in the first place – and I didn’t. What I can admit is that I am at a loss. I feel like there’s something missing, something that I crave but what it is I don’t know. All I know is that I have to just push forward and keep walking, in any direction – it doesn’t have to be forward.

This whole post is just a massive brain fart on my behalf, but I just wanted to document that things can be a mess but can still be good. I'm in a good place now (for now) and exciting things are coming for me and for this blog too. 

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