Motivation (Non)


For a good two weeks I've been useless. If I haven't been at work then I've been sat in bed scrolling through Netflix or NOW TV, trying to find something to watch but ultimately realising I've worn out every movie and series on there already. Then I'll move to my bookcase and try find something to read, only to talk myself out of it right after because starting a new book and having all those words and pages to read just seems like a little too much effort.

Then I realise that I'm actually writing one of these books and I really need to kick myself up the arse and get on with it. But I can't.

It isn't as though I'm actively avoiding writing any material for my book - it's just that I've kind of given up trying to. I've been through this once, and eventually got out of it and wrote a good few chapters right after (that rhymed, maybe I should be writing a poetry book instead?), but it just seems like too much effort. Especially when the replies from publishers have started coming through a lot less frequent - I guess it has to do somewhat with the lack of contact and interest I'm getting.

And don't get me started on this blog. I started the You and University series as a kind of filler for the weeks when I didn't have the time to write a new post because of the book - but now look what's happened. My blog has turned into just that series and then me popping on when I can find the time (and more importantly, the effort).

My complete lack of routine is completely to blame for this. If I don't have work, I'll go to bed late and stay in bed late on a morning (ahem - late afternoon). As soon as I get out of the habit of doing nothing with my days off I know I'll start feeling better about my work and everything else in my life. It comes as no coincidence that I've started to feel a bit shitty with my general health and wellbeing at the same time that I've given up putting in any effort in. Well, I say I put no effort in but my hair still looks banging.

I'm sure I'll get out of this funk, I just need to find a glimmer of inspiration and take it from there. That's all it takes, just one little spark. But it's like trying to start a fire in the middle of a wet field whilst it's heavily raining. Basically, it's impossible. But I'll get there, as soon as I'm ready to - and as soon as it happens I'm not going to fall into the gutter and slump there just because it seems easier because even though it is easier to relax and be sluggish - I'm not going to get anywhere that way. And I want to get somewhere.

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