Stuck In The Mud


This is going to be so dramatic.

So, it's 4am and I can't sleep. I've been trying for a good three hours to nod off now but nothing is working. I've swapped sides of the bed, tried sleeping with no pillow, no quilt - I've even taken four sleeping pills. NOTHING IS WORKING. So I've decided therefore that I can't sleep because I'm having a midlife crisis.

This may sound ridiculous but hear me out because there is rhyme to my reason. I think that's how that saying goes? Since around Christmas I've lost all motivation to do anything. I've become reckless (even more so) with money - and I can't remember the last time I spent money on something worthwhile. My university attendance has been on the rapid decline, and I've started to think about what I want to do with my life and what I need to do now to make it happen.

The answer to both of those questions is simple:


When I came to uni I had it all mapped out. I'd stay here and complete my degree, then go on to do a year at another uni training to become a teacher and then do just that. I'd be a teacher. But now, now I hate my course, I've made hardly any friends at uni and I've completely wasted a year doing something that I don't like whilst pretending I was having the time of my life. I've tried and tried to think of a way around it, and I know I could probably scrape a pass this year - but I really don't want to waste anymore time. I want a fresh start - a clean slate.

I've also been manically stressing about money for a good solid 10 decades now. There's not an hour that goes by without me wanting to rip my hair out because I literally can't afford anything. Well I can, but not comfortably. My fingers are always hovering over my online banking app just to check how much I left in my ever growing overdraft. Everyone else seems to have these problems too, and I understand completely that I have it quite easy compared to others - but that doesn't mean at all that I can't be stressed.

Then there's the whole job debacle. I can't find a job to save my life - and it's because I'm a student. I'm more than qualified to get a little retail job - I know that I am, but every interview or should I say lack therefore I've had has been because I'm a student. One shop gave me an interview, and told me everything went perfectly in the interview - but I didn't get the job because I was a student and I couldn't be trusted with the shifts. They said that despite me saying I could work the shifts and then some. I just don't understand what's wrong with students? Here we are, people that are desperate for a job and will literally do anything for one - yet no one will hire us. It's so silly.

To sum my feelings up - I'd say I feel like I'm constantly standing in a forest during Autumn. The leaves are all falling down to the ground and the trees are looking up to the sky but I'm just stuck somewhere in between and I don't know which was to go. I feel like I'm stuck in the same place and have been for a while and everyone else has a destination - and they know how to get there. Everything around me is moving so fast that it's making me dizzy and I don't know which was is up and which way to go.

The worst thing is, I don't feel like I can say anything or tell anyone out of fear that I'd be letting someone down. I have no idea who I'd be letting down or why I'd be doing so - but my gut tells me that I am. Maybe it's myself I'm letting down and maybe it's not - but I'm starting to lose hope at this point.

You Might Also Like