Bully Me


It's been a very long time since I've spoke about this. So bare with me, this might be a bit of a rollercoaster. I remember making a youtube video when things were bad with my bullying, and I remember it getting quite a lot of views - but I deleted it just because I was scared. Wish I didn't delete it. This in no way shape or form is a pity party, and I don't think it's a particularly sad story either, my bullies made me the person I am today and weirdly - I'm thankful for that.

Remember that age old saying - you're bullies are just jealous of you? It's true. And they're uncomfortable with you, and themselves. And they've probably got shit going on too. Or, they can just be very very poorly educated and extremely pathetic. Usually, it's a mixture of them all. I'm going to be honest, I can't remember most of their names - I wouldn't want to give them the satisfaction. Names don't matter, what they do is what matters. And what they did to me, from some perspectives - wasn't really all that bad.

When I think back to the time I got bullied (a solid 4-5 years between year 6 and year 10) I don't really see the good times I had. My friends we're awesome, I was doing very well in school, and I didn't really have anything important to worry about. What I see is, the times when I'd pretend to be ill to my mum so I could stay home from school for days on end. I see the hours upon hours I'd spend in my head of year's office persuading her to let me stay in there instead of going to lessons. I remember being told I needed to go to therapy but refusing it because I didn't want to look insane. I had awful panic attacks in school but couldn't explain them to anyone. I got ill, mentally mostly. 

But, once it was over it was over. I let myself go. I had built such a thick skin to these people - any people really, that I could just about do anything I wanted and not care of judgement. I started to wear god awful clothes and be loud and boisterous. Basically, I became everything that I was bullied for - and everything I couldn't do because I was scared before. Obviously, I calmed down after a while but I had noticed that in the midst of this 'transformation' (as cringe as that sounds) I had made all of these new friends. And I'd found this unknown confidence in myself. 

Once I had got over it, and you do get over it, I started to really enjoy myself. My last year in High School was probably one of the best years of my life so far. Once I showed my personality a little, and showed people what I was like, it was fine. I did still get a bit of taunting from people, and it never stopped fully - but it hardly ever happened. When it did happen, I had the confidence to bite back. It isn't the best way to deal with things but I could show people that I didn't care and could give it as much as I could take it too. And I took a whole lot of it!

I'm trying my best not to focus on what happened, why I was bullied (homophobia - how cliche) or how I reacted because when all is said and done - that's what everyone wants you to focus on. Bullying stories are normally sad, they never focus on the light at the end of the tunnel. I can say my bullying was bad, but I can say I got through it and I'm a better person than I was when it happened too. I've grown from it, and I've learned that people are stupid and they don't know what they're doing. You have to feel sorry for these people - they have very very poor lives. 

Throughout the time it happened, I kept a journal and chronicled my bullying. Every word that was said, every person, I said how I felt about it and explained countless times that I didn't understand what was happening. I update it still now - yearly. I will update it every year on the same date and see how much has changed. When I'm a worldwide best-selling author, I'll release it as a biography. And then it will be made into an Academy Award winning feature film. Kate Winslet will play my mum. I'm really excited for it.

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