Down Days


I think a huge part of growing up, and life in general, is having that period of time in your life when everything just seems to be going wrong. Now, for everyone the degree of this is bound to vary. And I want to point out that in writing this I aren't trying to out do anyone else or make it seem like I have had things especially worse - because I know I haven't. In fact I'd say that overall, my 'down period' wasn't all that awful - it was just horrific when I was going through it.

Here we go..

I have so many diaries and journals from this point in my life. I used to write down everything that happened as soon as it happened - and with the amount of writing I could publish a novel (granted it would be awfully written and very very incoherent). Reading through them I can't relate to myself at that time whatsoever and that isn't a bad thing. Nor is it a good thing. It's just different, I'm in a different circumstance now and I was a different kind of person then. Things just change.

It feels like everyone has a bullying story these days, and mine isn't even that much of a big deal. It was never a single person doing it constantly, I rarely got physically harmed and it did get stopped. Having said that, I'm not trying to push my story to the side and act like me being bullied isn't important - bullying in any form is awful and no matter how bad it is no one should have to put up with it. I was around 13/14 (year 9) when it was at its worse. January is when I began to get tired of it, but I didn't act upon it until around March. It got to the point where I had to leave school for a few month, I attended sporadically for a good amount of time after that, too. 

The problem with bullying is, that if it isn't stopped as soon as possible, it spreads. It leaks everywhere and soon enough it felt like I was being suffocated by a rumour about my sexuality everywhere I turned in school. It was when it began effecting my actual out-of-school-life that I put my foot down. In retrospect, my school did the best they could to put an end to it. But giving a bully a detention every time they bully a kid isn't exactly enough to stop it. It was all very short term. 

Anyway, after a few meetings with my head of year in school I agreed to go back to school full time. It was for sure the best decision I could have made but at the time I just remember wanting to cry every minute of being there; I ended up faking ill as much as I could because I was scared to go back in. Ironically, I did end up making myself very ill by doing so. Excluding myself and giving myself this mindset just messed me up, and nothing has ever compared to how low and awful I felt. 

Obviously, I was 14, so I had no idea what was going on in my head, and why I felt so secluded and detached all the time. School ended up referring me to CAHMS, which is refused. I did go a few times to shut them up, but I was determined to make myself better - the last thing I wanted was to be seen as weak. Looking now, that is the so naive and I was so stupid not to take the help when it was offered. But, after a few months I managed to get rid of whatever was wrong with me - and I started to feel good again.

Then, October 2013 brought about another one of these 'episodes'. It got to the point where every part of my life seemed unbearable. That sounds dramatic, but I genuinely felt like everywhere I went people were watching me, but at the same time I felt so distanced from everything and I was detached from even my own feelings. Like I was a floating vessel of just blood and stuff. This time I just threw myself into everything, forced myself to act normal. More than normal, I wanted to excel - prove to myself that I was strong and I could get through it. Some difficulties did come up, like everything, but I did it. 

All of this has made me so stronger. I think that without all of this I wouldn't be able to get through bad times as good as I can. It has helped rebuild my confidence, helped me look at things in a different light and most importantly it's helped me allow myself to help other people. When something bad happens now I just throw myself into helping everyone else before myself, because I've been there and I don't want anyone else falling down there. 

It's so important to be self-assured and I think being knowing your limits, is vital to growing up. But you have to break before you can learn your limits. It will get worse before it gets better, but when it gets better - it's the best ever.

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